Back to zero

e h h c h h e. And now back to zero. What's next? Stagnant zero? Or even to negative? Sigh..Honestly I really don't care anymore. Over time I've learned the art of being numb.

For almost 21 years, I'd been in good terms with you. And now I just asked for one last thing but you still didn't hear me. I'm tired. I am giving up. I realized that no matter what I do I still have no choice on what you choose to give me. So what's the point? It's not that I don't believe in you anymore. I still do, and that is the very reason why I am already letting you do whatever you want. I don't have any say anyway. Now the difference is just that I do not have any inch of hope at all.

Suddenly, it happened so fast
I couldn’t believe the news that I received
My heart stopped as I hit the floor
I fell to my knees cryin’, "Lord, help me"

No matter what times brings
Or the changes we go through in life
There’s some things
That we just can’t prepare for

I'm logging out now. My head really aches for n straight tearful and sleepless nights.

Blog break

Yes, I won't anymore post in public for quite a long time now. I'm just so out of myself lately. So damn depressed, lost, mad, hurt..Shit, all the bad things. Can't see anything good..

I'd like to think that this is just a side effect of a sickness that has been with me since high school perhaps. But I'm not sure, and I don't anymore care. I don't even anymore think of consulting to a doctor. I really don't care now.

Anyway, just wanna say sorry to people I haven't noticed or hurt unintentionally. I'm just having the lowest of the low lately, just please understand. Gotta go..

My Multiply

Black Saturday - still a workday for me. Argh! But don't laugh on how such a loser I am. I think I'm not anymore one =). Actually, I just need to check and kick off something then tomorrow I'll just check. And honestly I feel quite good because I'm working on Starbucks now using a free wifi connection. Cool! No stress at all =).

Anyway, just wanna share my new Multiply site. I'd be using it more often than my Blogspot since it has cross-post feature anyway (in fact I'm using it now), plus Multiply has better access features that let's me choose which pictures, posts, etc to share to people. I can choose to keep some things accessible to certain trusted people (or even to none). Pretty cool huh?! In fact I just posted one private dramatic blog. Well even though I know I can't do anything about it, somehow it feels good to just write about it.

So gotta logout now. Advanced Happy Easter :)

Sooo bored!

Yes, too damn bored again here in office. This is because of the WD1-WD5 deployment lock custom (or shall I say policy?) that has been a formal since February this year. During this week we cannot process and migrate anything on all critical instances. Well, only our team is mostly affected by this. While others were being crazy over production issues, we Flexpool-ers were having most free time ever. It is indeed a stress-free week for most of us :).

Well I for myself have been stressed-free for a couple of days already. I still have couple of work to do, but I have done them already. I even finished all my to-do's for HP and non-HP extra-curriculars. I've answered all the surveys, read some articles, cleaned my mailbox, and other small things. And now I've got nothing to do! Damn! I'm not used to this.

Haha..Sometimes I just can't understand myself. I complain when I've got so much to do, but I also grumble when I've got less to do. Ho well, I really don't know what is enough for me.

Anyway, perhaps I'll just plan for my projects for now. The coming weeks will surely make me busy again, so I gotta plan ahead.

For now I'll just treasure this semi-vacation week. Party time!

Philosophia Krateito Photon

"Let the love of learning rule humanity".

This is the motto of Phi Kappa Phi Honor Society, which I was formally inducted as member last April 2. Though it sounds like some sorority, it is actually very far from it. It is an international honor society; a society of honorable intellectuals. Membership is via election (only top 7.5% for seniors), and it is indeed such a privilege to be part of it so I finally decided to join after 1 year.

Well aside from the material privileges such as 30% discount on Dell products, grants, scholarships in the US, etc, it is the honor of being part of it that pushed me to go. It is neither about adding that item in my resume, but it is about sharing with the common passion for excellence. The drive to do your best in everything and in whatever you choose to pursue in life - be it in academe, in industry, in politics. It is about leading and driving change, and about inspiring others to do the same - for the ultimate good of the community and of humanity.

You may think that this is all about grades. Yes, could be - because membership is open to only a select few. But it is far beyond that; it is not on the end result but on reaching the end result that matters. It is not about being, but about becoming. It is what you learn and become during the long process that matters.

Well I wrote this neither to explain what Phi Kappa Phi is all about, nor explain its motto because it might take me hours to do that :). Personally I would like to share how UP has made me mature, and how it changed my life in all aspects. Looking back I have no inch of regret for everything that happened. Thanks to my alma matter for exposing me to both good and bad things, but letting me choose for myself which path to take. Thanks to my alma matter for giving me so much hard time until I become the best that I can be. For me, UP is indeed the best university in the Philippines.

Anyway, on a side note, the event last Monday made me admire someone who made the closing inspirational speech. She is, according to many, the batch 2007 Summa Cum Laude Top 1 of UP Diliman. And guess what - she just turned 16! She took high school and college at the same time. Imagine that?! Real wonder kid. She finished BS Physics, and I even heard that she will take Biology course after. Gosh, she is a scientist.

Now I'm just wondering how she is in real life. I never really got to talk to her, though I have heard of her since I was 2nd year. Is she normal emotionally? Psychologically? Hmm, this is not to judge her or something, I'm just curious :). But then the least I worry about her is how tough her life can be, with all the high expectations on her. I mean at least for people like me, expectations from family and society in general had been and will always be above average. I just can't imagine how it is for her. She is not allowed to fail. Joke! Ho well, I guess everything has a trade-off. But anyway, still hands down to her...Galing!

New pastime!

Yep, this is my new pastime! All my life I had been so private. Though I have a lot of things in my mind, I decide to keep them to myself most of the time. I realized writing will be a good way to start, and that blogs are good silent friends after all =).

Actually, I have an old blog that I kept secret all the time. And it is still up till now (hehe..you won't dare try to guess the link). But anyway, I got tired of updating it so it's not so exciting anymore. Today I'm just so damn bored here in office so I decided to create a new blog. Hehe..But this time I hope I will be able to post regulary. Well then, let's see!